How Am I Loved?

 I recently discovered that I may be an Enneagram 3w4. The self-preserving achiever is the countertype and presents a bit differently than a stereotypical 4. Anyways, the achiever. I think ever since I was born, I felt that my worth has been measured by my accomplishments. My parents aspired for me to become a doctor. I worked hard to be first chair flute in band, just to name a few examples. Even when I was a cashier, I worked to get the top scans per minute. I am a hard worker, I am faithful, and committed. 

Recently, I've been studying the book of Matthew and the first half of Chapter 6 basically pulled my sense of self-worth out from the bottom of my feet. The bible teaches that I am loved not for my works, but simply because I am being. And in fact, the chapter teaches us how what we do all comes down to intention. Am I doing things for my own glory, or God's glory? 

So the next steps for now, I'm going to set aside intentional quiet times in the morning for me to re-learn who I am in God. If I am not a human doing, what is it about my human being that is so lovable? 

When you are a fun, dopamine-inducing mom, but need to be a more oxytocin-inducing mom

Family Jack-Box Game Time

 I recently downloaded this app "In Love While Parenting" which is an app that is supposed to help build better relationships within the family. It's a free app, created by a non-profit to give parents the tools they need to build better connections. Within the first few mini-lessons, I already had an aha moment. I'll share that below. 

So, the lesson talks about the chemicals that regulate happiness in people. First, you have dopamine, the instant gratification chemical that will bring about happiness for a little while, but then the feeling goes away. Buying new things or eating something delicious are 2 examples of how we can increase the dopamine secreted into our system. Then you have cortisol, which is a stress chemical and causes people to be anxious. And lastly, the lesson talked about oxytocin, (not oxycontin) which is a chemical that is slowly secreted over time when bonds are deepened. Spending quality time with people is a great way to get more oxytocin in your system. 

As I am writing this, I am in Taiwan. I don't know if we could've have timed the trip any worse than we have because during the whole COVID pandemic, Taiwan had it under control and cases were rare until we stepped off the plane. Instantly, it shot up from 0-3 imported cases a day to 700+ community spread cases. We basically went into quarantine with the rest of Taiwan. I had big plans for the kids. They were signed up for 2, week-long camps, Hailey was enrolled in preschool, we had sites to visit, restaurants to eat at and family to see. Steve is working remotely, so we could stay for 3 months. My grandfather's neighborhood had been turned into a museum since we last visited and I wanted to see that as well. After a year of sheltering in place, it was going to be an epic summer. 

Taiwan's sheltering in place periods were set for 2 weeks at a time and as one extension came after another, I tried to keep my spirits high and focus on spending time with family and letting the kids enjoy as much Taiwanese food as possible. We ate lots of junk food and bought lots of toys to keep them happy. After a month, I made peace with the fact that the kids were not going to be able to go to camp or school and continued to look forward to the day that restrictions would be lifted. So last week, positive cases got down to the 20's and we had so much hope for things opening up for the last week we will be here. They made the announcement that restrictions still stand, but they would be loosened. I was relieved that we would be able to go out and experience more of the cool things. But then the news reported that while restrictions have been loosened, the mayors of each city have decided to keep certain restrictions in place. Zoos, natural preserves, beaches, and pools are to remain closed and restaurants are still take-out only. My heart sunk. 

I was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt about bringing the kids into this situation, being restricted to eating at our home base (with horrible eating arrangements), and sad that  family time and walking through local parks would be the highlight of our trip. (They can't even play on the playground equipment!) I tried to make the experience more positive by letting them indulge in more sweets than I usually do, we bought them toys that we normally wouldn't have spent money on. I now realized that I was trying to make them happy and to do that, I was engaging in actions that would raise their dopamine levels.

And then it hit me. 

That is what I do best. Raising dopamine levels is my go to parenting strategy. I'm a fun mom, we go on adventures, but I actually suck at connecting. Thankfully, Steve is really good at that.   I've always felt that even though I spend so much time with the kids, I lacked quality time with them. (Up until today I  always blamed the chores and the endless checklist items that I need to do each day) I don't think I'm engaging in enough oxytocin producing behaviors and activities with the kids. I don't think it comes naturally to me because I don't think I've ever had a chance to develop that skill for myself. Moving around as a kid, never living in the same house for more than 2 years at a time is a buzzkill for developing skills needed for deep bonding. In fact I can see this area lacking in other areas of my life as well. Must do better. 

So, as I enter into the last 10 days of our trip, I'm not going to focus on the stuff that we do, but focus on experiencing things WITH the kids better. I think with this new lens, our trip will have a new outlook.  

Unconditional Love

 If I were to name 1 thing that I learned from COVID, it would be that we are worthy to loved unconditionally.  

The aha moment happened when I was having a text conversation with a recently formed friendship. She had just gotten out of a messy relationship and we were talking about how we can so easily lose our true selves in relationships. And then she says something along the lines of, "I don't know why, but I always make excuses for being treated badly and think of what I can do to make them love me more." 

[insert record scratch] Hold up. At this moment, this truth popped into my head and I frantically typed it back. 

"You shouldn't have to earn anyone's love. Love is unconditional. If you feel like you have to earn it, it's borderline abusive." 

Further reflecting about this statement I feel like God has been trying to teach us this lesson from the very beginning. As a kid we learned about God's "unconditional" love in the sense that He will love us even if we mess up. But what if unconditional also means just being yourself and not having to earn or please someone else to feel loved? 

If COVID didn't happen, I don't think I would've realized this. I've spent the past year digging into the enneagram to find out who I am inside. I feel like I've always just gone with the flow and agreed with what others say. But during this time, I've learned a lot about myself: my preferences; causes that I'm passionate about; habits of thought and so much more. I feel like I finally can describe who I am...and it also has helped validate these because I see so much of myself in Hannah. In fact, sometimes I will take an interesting characteristic of Hannah and see if I've somehow repressed that over the years. 

 Racism, transphobia, homelessness, and the pro-life vs pro-choice debate have been flooding the headlines recently. I have friends on both sides of the spectrum for all of these issues. I've been examining my values to figure out where I fall in the debate and over and over again, it always boils down to love. We are all flawed in some way, shape or form, but if we live our life giving love unconditionally, and convince ourselves that we are unconditionally enough, enough to deserve to be loved, just as we are, we will be living as God taught us to live.  

Why Black Lives Matter is So Important: My Story

At 37 years old, I recently realized that I once was a white supremacist. Ok, now, get images of me wearing a white cone head out of your mind and hear me out. 

While I've never been told explicitly, or opened up a fortune cookie that stated "white culture is the best culture": the shows that I watched; the Barbies that I played with; the people that I was friends with all seemed to unconsciously suggest that being white was better. I grew up ashamed of my culture.  I strived to be a twinkie (yellow on the outside and white on the inside) and any association with anything asian would deny me of that identity of being like a white person. 

When I told my parents to stop speaking Chinese to me in public, I was a white supremacist. 

When I asked my parents to never pack dumplings in my lunch, I was a white supremacist. 

When I avoided hanging out with the Azns (Asians) at school, I was a white supremacist. 

I used to think that these thoughts crossed my mind because I didn't want to be seen as different, but as I  felt shame over once thinking that I was better than my cousins because unlike them, I was born in the U.S., I realized that it was all white supremacist ideology. 

When I was in high school and college I always avoided associated myself with stereotypical asian things, you know, things like math club, techno music, Honda coupes, majoring in accounting, or playing the violin. Instead, I majored in forensic science, played the saxophone, joined the science club, listened to alternative music, drove a Toyota Echo, played lacrosse, and minored in philosophy. (I now dabble in roller derby, which is the least stereotypical asian thing that you could do and I might even get a tattoo someday -- haha probably not, only because of my tendency to get keloid scars)

I didn't want to be seen as just another model minority Asian girl. I didn't want to others to be able to paint a picture in their mind of who I was as a person before really getting to know me. I wanted to be seen as a unique individual. We need to see each other as unique individuals. 

Very simply put, I think at the core of the whole #BlackLivesMatter movement is just this very thing. Blacks don't want the color of their skin to even tint the facade of who others think they ought to be. They want to be seen for their own uniqueness, just as God, who loves each and every one of us, created us to be unique. I know that it goes so much deeper policy-wise, but in today's post, I'm just going to focus on the basics.

Your life matters. God sees you, He loves you, and He forgives you. 

Now that the scales have been peeled from my eyes, I am so proud of my cultural heritage, the people of my culture, the language, and the food...oh, the food. We are so lucky to be living in America, which is like a pizza filled with so many culture toppings, some even melting together in the cheese. We want to see each ingredient, savour it, appreciate it, and value it. But for now, we've got to focus on our Black friends, because many of them are stuck under the sauce and we need to help them get them back to the cheesy goodness.

Excuse my food analogy... I can't help it. 

Finding My Spark

[This was written over a year ago.] Just decided to post it today 

I have been asked to speak on a panel to help other moms identify what brings them happiness, life and fulfillment.  The popular phrase coined by Marie Condo "sparks joy" is immediately what pops into my mind when I think about the central message that I want to bring to the panel.

I'm not sure if I'm going to publish this, as I am writing this to help me process my thoughts, but you never know.

Idea 1: 
Over the winter break I read Marie Condo's book and started to implement the decluttering process that she prescribes in her book.  Basically you look at all the stuff you have, keep the stuff that sparks joy and then get rid of the stuff that doesn't. You don't need it.

Well, 2 1/2 months in, I am a believer of the method. Getting dressed in the morning is easier, I can pluck out any top and bottom from my wardrobe and be ok with wearing it. The house is less cluttered, and I can find things because there is a spot for everything (except for all of the artwork that the kids bring home.)

So in short, as a mom, knee deep in commitments, how does one find their spark? I think we can take away lots of lessons from Ms. Condo into life. Look at all the stuff that you are spending time on. (Social media, chauffeuring kids, volunteering, shopping, etc.) Make a list. Keep the items that are necessary, but then weed out those commitments that don't bring you or your family joy.

Idea 2: 
I think there are different points in everyone's life where you have to really stop and examine the person who you've become. High school graduation, College graduation, marriage, after kids. I think those are all of the main ones for me.

I think when determining passions, there are essentially different tiers of passions.
Global, Relational, and Personal.
For me:

Overall, serving God in all that I do. Listen to God. He reveals his will to us differently.

Global - Help kids see their way out of the cycle of poverty - that is why I decided to become a teacher. I believe that my history of overcoming various obstacles have helped me be able to relate to kids in at-risk situations.

Local - My family. Raising my kids to become loving and serving is what I'm passionate about. I take motherhood as an art. I'm working at it, perfecting it as I go. (Like my experience with making french macaroons)

Personal - I love staying active (exercising, roller derby), food, and crafting.

Those are my sparks. My recent researching about personality types have reminded me just how our personalities can affect our perspective of life. Whether it be Myers Briggs, Enneagram Types or one of the 4 tendencies, the take away is that people operate in different modes, and you have to understand what drives you. And remember what drives one person does not necessarily provide the same umph for another.

How has God worked through my life? Through my work with Academy 4, a character development/mentoring program that I've recently gotten involved with, I can see that God:

Puts me in the right place at the right time. I went back to get something left behind and ended up learning about a student who is having troubles. Because of this, I was able to set him up with a special mentor and it seems like it's exactly what he needs.

Provides. It's kind of like the modern version of Jesus feeds 5,000 with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish. On a day where more than a quarter of the mentors have to be out, the Lord was able to provide enough mentors to make sure each kid still had their own mentor.

So if you are on a journey to find your spark, When you are pursuing your passion, you are letting your kids see that there is life outside of them. Include them when you can. My kids see my work with academy 4. They don't quite understand that yet, that's ok. I involve them with food and crafting.

Once you have a good idea of what steps you need to take, I'd say just jump in and do it. Just like sky diving, the initial jump is the scariest. Everything after the jump just falls into place, you just have to jump.

Every Child is Different

It's been over a year since I've posted here. Quick update: our family has a new addition and she is simply adorable. For the past 8 months I've been trying to raise her like I did Hannah and Nathan, but this girl, unlike her older siblings marches to her own beat. I should've known considering Nathan and Hannah both came 2 weeks early, and Hailey came a week late. 

I was using what worked for both Nathan and Hannah, from scheduling naps, to reading their favorite books, to playing the same games with Hailey and it's not been working very well. I learned that I really need to step back and really get to know who this little girl is, what she prefers, and treat her like the special person that she is. 

Let this be a reminder for me to see each child as their own individual and not copy paste my parenting style on all three. 

No Pain, No Gain: On Creating Growing Opportunities for Our Children

I wished I had both parents actively involved in my life. I wished they could've attended at least a few of my school performances. I wish that they asked me more about my day. This wish list could go on, but I now understand that they were simply doing their best. I mean, my sister and I turned out ok, right? 

Now that I am a parent, I've tried to learn from my parents' mistakes and try to be the best parent that I can be for my children. I try to find new things for them to experience, cook with them, limit screen time, limit sugar, but teach them how to savor it once in awhile, you know, all the things a "good" mom does. I am trying to create for them the perfect childhood. But what I really should be doing is creating for them opportunities to become more brave, kinder, wiser and more resilient. 

Over the Christmas break, I read "Love Warrior" a book that I missed from book club. The following quote from Glennon Doyle Melton's book got me thinking about all of this: 

“So what is it in a human life that creates bravery, kindness, wisdom, and resilience? What if it's pain? What if it's the struggle?” 

I know that resilience is built through overcoming challenges. Good character comes out of defeating trial and tribulation. We are so blessed to be in a situation where we can provide all the material, emotional, and physical needs of our children and would give them anything that they need in a heartbeat; but, are we doing our children a disservice by being too available?

In the past, I’ve compared myself to other moms, thinking things like how could this mom let their child do…  or why would this mom have another child when... and then at the end of the very judgmental thought, I would pat myself on the back for being the caring mom who does all the good mom things. But now, I see the foolishness in that sort of thinking. I now realize that there are no such things as bad parents or good parents, we are all doing the best that we can and our kids (for the most part) will all turn out just fine.

For every parent, there is a fine line where you need to find the balance between “helicopter” parent and  the parent who leaves their children to the wolves.  How do I find that balance and still provide opportunities for them to truly struggle and overcome while I cheer them on from the sidelines?

My children are now 2 and 4. I think it’s OK for me to be there for them more so. But at what point do I step back and simply become a spectator?

You think this happens at my house everyday? I can only wish.
This is such a rare occurrence, hence, I took the picture.

On a side note: We have been going back and forth on whether or not to have a 3^rd child. The top reason against having another addition is that I didn’t think I would be able to have enough love and time to go around, they would all be receiving less love, less attention, and that was a tough thought to wrap my head around. But over Christmas  I’ve been thinking through on how to  not focus on providing them with the perfect childhood, but create more opportunities to grow to be like images of our perfect God. An aunt mentioned that even though they get less attention, they get over it. They get over it. Words so true. So I guess we better start planning for #3!